TriStar's Godzilla - I'm Upset

Alright, where do we start with this one? TriStar's Godzilla is infamous. It comes from the era of adaptations where if the creative team just wanted to not follow the source material, it was kind of expected, but also not frowned upon. Characters didn't get themselves on screen, they got a director's vision. Nowadays, we're spoiled. Between the MCU and its very solid treatment of the source material to even Godzilla's amazing treatment of the source material in the modern day MonsterVerse, it's easy to assume this was the norm and characters being treated as they are these days was expected. But this was never the case for a long period of time. And that brings us to TriStar's Godzilla. When Roland Emmerich was tasked with reimagining Godzilla for American audiences, he sure reimagined him alright. What we see in this movie is a character assassination that neuters the original character of his very simple, memorable and easy to replicate abilities, and was swapped out for more supposed "realism." A version of the character that doesn't look or act like the character we even know. Even if it was different, whatever, as long as he can still do his trademark abilities, but, nope. This movie is often paired with the line "Takes the God out of Godzilla," which I find completely true. But what about the movie itself? Well, overall the movie isn't exactly as awful as people hope. What we get is a VERY generic monster movie, and that's about it. But most every issue with this film we can boil down to the title of the movie: Godzilla.

After continued tests of nukes in French Polynesia, an iguana egg is exposed to radiation and births something frightening; a 50 meter monster who soon begins sinking sea vessels, one leaving only one victim who gives the creature its name; "Gojira." With the monster headed to New York City in search of a comfortable habitat for his young, the scientists and military of the US must band together to save the Big Apple from Godzilla, its young, and total destruction.

SO. Here we are. I really dread talking about this movie because it is so infamous, and with 21 years after its original release, practically everything about it has been said. So if it sounds like parroting, it probably is. So, let's talk about "Godzilla." This interpretation of "Godzilla" is known by many names. Evil, Zilla, Godzilla In Name Only just to name a few. And it all makes sense. By all accounts, Godzilla is not the most complex monster in the world. He is a big dinosaur that stands upright, has giant plates on his back, is indestructible and he breaths radiation that looks like blue fire. Easy as pie. So, what does "Godzilla" get? Well, is he a big dinosaur? Well, not really. He's a mutated iguana. It's not the most amazing change of origin or whatever, but sure, I'll bite. Well, does he stand upright? Nope. He walks around like an actual dinosaur would have, is a LOT smaller and focuses on agility and not being able to take the hits. Well, indestructible. He's gotta be, right? It's Godzilla! Nope. As I said, this "Godzilla" is frail, dying in the end from getting caught in the Brooklyn Bridge and being shot down by missiles. Most if not all of the city destruction done in the movie is from "Godzilla" dodging missiles and the MILITARY really doing the damage. So, take that army. You're never allowed back in Manhattan. Well, breath blue fire? What has been every answer so far? Oh, you bet he does not. Every defining characteristic of Godzilla is completely GONE in this movie. Roland Emmerich has openly stated before that he is not a Godzilla fan and wanted to make a "realistic" interpretation. I'm sorry (this is probably the most explicit I'll ever get in these reviews, so, you're warned), but that's bullshit. When you're dealing with a cultural icon of importance like Godzilla, you should not be allowed to fuck this up. When they first presented the design to Toho, the original design was met with shock, but was approved after reassurance that the movie would turn out great. This monster is not Godzilla. Imagine this: I'm going to make a Batman movie. Okay, well what are Batman's defining qualities? Well, he's a detective, he's wicked smart and he doesn't kill people. Okay, well, I have an idea: I don't want anyone of that. I want him to be a street thug bent on killing criminals because he's hardened by the world and thinks it's the only way to save it. So who cares about him being a detective?! It's not like that is his most defining subtitle! Oh wait, it is! You see the problem here? When you strip a character of their essential elements, the character is gone and you'll essentially made a legally distinct version. So tell me. When you look at this Lenozilla patrolling the streets of New York looking for MSG, do you think even for a fraction of a second that he could earn the title of King of the Monsters? No. Because this isn't the King of the Monsters. Because this is NOT Godzilla.

Oh, and don't even get me STARTED on the "BabyGodzillas". This is bad. This is really REALLY bad. Yet again, I apologize if this sounds like parroting, but it is completely true. THESE "BABYGODZILLAS"AND THE ENTIRE SEGMENT OF THE MOVIE ARE A TERRIBLE RIPOFF OF THE VELOCIRAPTOR PORTION OF JURASSIC PARK! Godzilla always has had a child in all of the series, Minilla will even be making another appearance in the third series (spoilers) but this is just ridiculous! Godzilla does not get pregnant! And while sure, this is maybe a slight improvement because, and I'll give them this, they do look like baby versions of their father, but mother of Mothra, this is just ridiculous! These guys are just horrendous overall, legitimately ripping off more from Jurassic Park than from Godzilla! They get pounce attacks, they outnumber you, they're six foot tall giant lizards, come on. These are just the raptors of Jurassic Park and there is no exaggerating that. Again, yes, Godzilla has always had a child in all the series. But he has never had A, this many, and B, produced an amount of young that so blatantly ripped off another intellectual property. For anyone who might not believe or agree with this, I absolutely DARE you to watch the final 30 minutes of Jurassic Park, and then skip to the MSG portion of this movie. You will be astonished how similar they are. So what we get here is after a good, very solid interpretation of Minilla and BabyGodzilla in the second series also receives a character assassination in the form of these little abominations.


So, we have that out of the way, so how about the rest of the movie? Well, those are definitely the low points. It just so happens that the low points are so low it drags down much of the rest of the film. So, how about the rest of the film? Well, by no means is this movie great, it's just mediocre. It's just a mediocre movie and that's all there is to it. Nothing about the movie is particularly outstanding, well, one exception. For such a waste of time, the score is not bad at all. It's not Akira Ifukube or anything and it does not retain the original Godzilla theme at all, but whatever. Make your own stake in history first, I guess. You can listen to it all here if you want. Not gonna win a Grammy or anything, but it makes sitting through the movie much easier. So, what else? Well, we got some good set pieces. "Godzilla's" boat destruction and first appearance, the chase leading to the Brooklyn Bridge, it's not bad stuff. The only problem is that the monster is not actively likable or enjoyable to watch and sprinkled throughout before any of these fun set pieces are really boring human scenes with some generic dialogue and some PAINFULLY unfunny jokes sprinkled in for good measure. Honestly, it's just mediocre. I find that the most I want to discuss with this movie is the monsters, but it's not positive. Of course all I want to do with these movies is talk monsters. That's why I love them so much. But when I find myself already talking about them and everything is just fine at best from the performances to the action scenes, I just get bored.

THIS MOVIE IS BORING! TriStar's Godzilla is definitely not AS bad as I remember it, and same for you too. But it's still just mediocre. If you go into it expecting more a remake of the Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, you might turn out much more please. But if you're coming for "Godzilla," the title character like everyone did come for, then you're going to be disappointed. This movie is just disappointing now. Disappointing for what it couldn't be, disappointing I can never love it, disappointing I can never just purely hate it, the list goes on. I feel like an angry parent talking to this movie, because when I think of TriStar's Godzilla, "I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed." And if you are too, I completely understand.

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I can almost smell the popcorn of the theater when I go to see Godzilla: King of the Monsters. We're in the final stretch of not only the wait for the film, but of this review series. We have A LOT of great movies coming, so make sure to stay tuned. Tomorrow the gravy train is going to start rolling again as we begin a whole new series and meet a brand new Godzilla, as we take a look at a good revitalization in Godzilla 2000: Millennium.